My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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