don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
