I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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