I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
