I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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