its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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