Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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