I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
