I think I died a long time ago.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize