$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just sucked dick on a ferry
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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