Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
