im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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