I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
