And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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