youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
