seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No subtext here. People are naked.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
