yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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