Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
