I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
