i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You brought string cheese to the strip club
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
