My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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