so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
