I accidentally burped into my bong.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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