your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
