I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize