Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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