I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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