Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
