You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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