Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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