I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
