I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
