1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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