Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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