I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
