How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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