his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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