I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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