Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
