I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
