Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
