just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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