don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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