every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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