So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
