I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
