I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
