I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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