My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I deserve this hangover.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
