My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
