Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
