Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
