Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
