It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
