Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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