Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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