I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
